It's time to say goodbye. Not au revoir, which means until we see each other again, but goodbye.
Wednesday we had our soiree, that was the first time I cried. I couldn't really explain why though; my host family left before me and then I was left with Charlotte and I felt the tears welling and I just kinda just waved at her and went over to Tanya and cried a little :p
It's funny, because in the entry before this when I was talking about goodbyes I said "I don't really feel sad." Oh, past Holly. Give it time.
I've been spending so much time stressing about exams and things that I haven't been able to really think about saying goodbye. It all hit me today though when Amanda, Kelsey, Tanya and I went into the CIEE office to say goodbye to Daniel and Charlotte. I managed to hold back the tears for a little while...but not very long.
Saying goodbye this time around is incredibly different from saying my goodbyes in America when I was on my way here. When I was leaving I was more scared than anything else, but I knew everything would be waiting for me when I came back. It wasn't a real goodbye, it was more of a "see ya later!" that lasted longer than they usually do.
This time around, it's more like how I ended up saying goodbye to my students yesterday:
"Bye!...see you...never..."
As if I don't already have enough difficulty saying goodbye to people and phases of my life, this time I know for a fact that I won't see 90-95% of the people I've gotten to know ever again. And it's sad. It's really, really sad.
The worst two goodbyes thus far:
Saying goodbye to Madame Ollivier, my referent teacher for the internship. Regardless of the fact that I didn't spend that much time with her, we had some really great conversations and I look up to her as a person and I wish I had more time to get to know her. But we did the bises and we're friends on facebook so we'll stay in contact and maybe some day I'll come back to Rennes to visit and it will be wonderful.
Saying goodbye to Charlotte. As much as I hated my pedagogy class, I think Charlotte's a good person. I look up to her; she loves the middle east and wants to go back, she's a strong woman, she's nice, and she's funny. I left the CIEE office crying today, even though I was trying my hardest not to. She said "We'll see each other some day! Either you'll come back to France, or maybe I'll come to America, but we'll see each other again." I want to believe her because with her, just as with Madame Ollivier, I wish I had gotten to know her better.
Part of the difficulty I'm facing is knowing that there are opportunities still here for me. But there are more in America, I know, I just have to move on. But it's true that I'm mostly sad to be saying goodbye before I feel like the time is right.
And I also couldn't leave Daniel and Charlotte on that note (crying) so after I pulled myself together I went back into the office and said "High fives!" and we smiled and laughed and had some high fives and as I was leaving Charlotte said "à bientôt!" which means "See you soon!"
It's always hard saying goodbye, but every time I have a rough goodbye my mind wanders and I end up thinking about the hellos that are waiting for me back in America. That's how you've gotta be if you want to get through life, I think. You can't dwell on what you're missing, you have to remind yourself that other things are waiting for you in the future. Not all of them will be bigger or better, but they'll be there.
Eventually the pain of saying goodbye goes away...or rather, it numbs. I don't think it's ever fully forgotten, it just becomes numbed. It gets easier to deal with because new people come into your life to fill the gaps that the others left.
Tonight and tomorrow will be a little hard, I'm sure. Tonight I'll be saying goodbye to Amanda, Kelsey, and Tanya and tomorrow it will be my host family. On top of that, I'm really exhausted and my head hurts...and all of that is just going to equal a bunch of tears, I'm sure of it.
But just imagine: you move to another country and, inevitably, you start to establish a life for yourself. All the while you know it's temporary, but it happens just the same. And then all of the sudden you've got to pack up your things, say goodbye to the people you love, and just leave. Without even a day with everybody after classes end! Cramming in goodbyes, studying, going out, it's overwhelming and doesn't really allow the goodbye to hit you as hard. I'm sure if I were going back to America tomorrow I'd feel kind of different about things.
Obviously I'm not quite ready to leave France in some ways...my room is literally still exactly the way it has been all semester. Nothing is packed, nothing is organized, the only difference is that there are a few gifts from my host family and Madame Ollivier staring at me, reminding me that it's time to start packing.
This song came on my ipod on my walk home as I was trying to decide whether or not it's okay to cry in public by yourself and it made me feel better for some reason. I think because it sounds like a sad song musically, but it's actually pretty nice if you listen to the lyrics.
But don't get me wrong, I'm still really sad and I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight...in a good way, though. But hey, I'll be in Italy in a matter of 2 days. So we'll see how that goes!
Also, I'm going to make a little shout-out to my readers. Ask you for a favor, if you will...
If you know me, you know that I really love getting emails and facebook messages...so if you want to, over the next few days feel free to send me a few emails or facebook messages or whatever just to let me know that you read this or whatever. I like to know when people are thinking of me, just as everyone else does, and at this point I think I'm actually going to need a little bit extra (I'm sorry, I'm a begger) because I know I'm going to be really sad.
-Cries a little-
I'm sorry, but it's truuuueeee. So yeah, just send me a little hello or something. If you don't, don't be surprised if you get a message from me...
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