Hope's Visit!

The park and Hope's first experience with cidre and galettes (delicious food traditional in Brittany!)

It was cold in my room, but she told me not to turn up the heat...

Our last meal together :( I wanted to try a Breton buckwheat beer! I liked it, but let's see what Hope thought...

Anddddd....

...I don't think she likes it.

Nope, definitely doesn't like it.

But the galettes were yummy yummyyyy and I liked the beer a lot!

And mmmmmmmmmmm macarons...(yes, with one "o"...they're the French kind!)

Academic/Teaching Practicum Update

The last two weeks have been full of midterms and more intense experiences than I've had yet in France.

Overall midterms weren't too bad (based on the grades I've gotten so far) but yesterday was the culmination of the stress.

As you know, I'm doing an internship where I'm an assistant to a teacher of English in a French middle school. Yesterday was the first time I was all alone in the classroom with about 14 students. I planned most of the lesson myself (with some suggestions from the real teacher) and I was, I thought, prepared.

As it turns out, I was slightly mistaken.

The teacher of the class thought that what I had originally planned could be done in two classes, and if I had strictly followed what she told me to do I think I would have been fine. But it was my first day, I was being observed by my pedagogy teacher, and I wasn't feeling like boring the crap out of my class.

So I didn't actually end up doing the activities that my teacher suggested I do, but I didn't have anything else planned...so what did I do? I improvised. For over 25 minutes of a class.

Now that may not sound like a lot, but if you've ever taught or even had to keep a group of teenagers entertained and willing to learn and be interactive then you know how difficult it can be...

This is what happened, generally, when I decided to improvise:

"Okay, now we're going to define these words. Can you guess what -insert word here- means?"

Crickets. Blank stares. A few death glares. A very worried look on the program director's face.

And silence.

I put my paper down on the desk, took a deep breath, and said,

"Okay, everybody stand up."

The students were shocked and looked around like "whoa what are we doing" because admittedly it was out of nowhere, and I could tell the program director was glad to see some life given to the class.

At this point, I kicked into overdrive and I can't even explain my thought process. I didn't think, I just did. I modified my activities, had everybody participate, and that's kind of how it went for the rest of the class.

If I could tell they were bored, I went on a rant about my jobs in high school (because after school jobs was our topic) or talked about minimum wage.

And in other news, it's almost Easter! My mom sent me a card and a chocolate bunny (eaten in a matter of 3 days), my sister sent me a card, egg-shaped bubble gum, and a pack of fake moustaches (?), and my grandma sent me a card too! It was really nice to get them all in the mail :)

Overall, I forgot to do a few important things (aka give them their homework assignment) and a lot of my objectives fell by the wayside simply because I refused to be one of those painfully boring teachers, not to mention I went over the time without even realizing it. And there definitely were points during the class where I know a few students wanted to kill me with their eyes, but they seem to be the ones who have attitude problems so I don't care that much.

By the end of class as the last of the students left the classroom, I looked at the program director, shook my head, and tried not to cry. It was a long, stressful hour and I was just about done. At that point I was positive it was a terrible course and I was ready to give up. But I pulled it together and sat down with my program director and the real teacher (who came in after the dismissal bell rang) and prepared for the worst.

But I was surprised to hear that overall, it wasn't too bad. Apparently I did a pretty good job of managing the class (walking around, talking to everyone, having kids participate, dealing with the few who were chatty), I had a strong classroom presence, and there weren't any blanks. So I guess I'm just a really freaking good improvisor.

Oh and also the program director couldn't really tell I was stressed out of my mind while I was teaching, which is a really good thing if you ask me because that means the students couldn't sense it either :) But I'm not really surprised, I'm pretty good at holding myself together until I don't have to anymore.

As it turns out, my self-confidence is entirely too low when it comes to school work and my capabilities and what not...I don't know why, it doesn't make much sense. Something I need to work on, I guess. I seem to rotate between thinking I'm absolutely terrible at everything to thinking I'm the very best/being cocky, neither of which are true, so I just need to find a good middle ground.

I had a massive headache after that experience...but at least now I know that I need to plan more games, use more songs and videos, and plan the class how I want it to be planned instead of assuming that what works for an experienced teacher with lots of authority will work the same for me. I'm looking forward to the next times I teach though, I'm going to focus my lessons more around fun activities than boring learning.

I'm the American, after all! They were really interested in figuring out the minimum wage conversion and all of that so I'm going to focus on bringing my culture (yes, we Americans do have a culture!) into the room instead of a super formal learning experience. It's one hour per week, how much could I actually teach them anyway?

Vitré, Fougères, et une amie de longue perdue

Yesterday we had a program excursion to two towns about 30 minutes from Rennes. In Vitré we saw a castle and then for lunch we went to my friend Tra's house house and had the most delicious, homemade Vietnamese food ever!

Then we went to Fougères where the real action was. This castle is from the 13th century (I think) and it's not much of a castle anymore, but all of the walls are still there. It was so incredible! Not to mention it was the first beautiful day outside in a while so I was dying of happiness. 

Oh, and also I (again) felt like I was in The Lord of the Rings. I love when that happens. 

Pretty flowers! I've been realizing that I looove flowers and plants. Sometimes I pick flowers and take pictures, but others I pick them apart and try to figure out (or ask my friends) why they are the way they are.

And then Hope got here! Yayyyyyy! We've been having the best time :) I'll post more about that when the weekend is over though, we're too busy doing stuff.

More pretty flowers :)

This is Hope on the Rennes metro :)

A Weekend in Angers (among other things...)

Last weekend was one of the best weekends of my entire life.

Manon in Angers!

Firstly, it was incredible to actually meet my penpal! That's something that people only dream of doing...at least people with penpals. I kept thinking (and admittedly saying out loud) "This is every penpal's dream come true!"

Secondly, I got to see a bunch of new places in France that I wouldn't have otherwise! I saw Angers, the big city that Manon lives about 20 minutes away from, and Feneu which is the small town where she lives. On Sunday her mom us all to see the troglodytes which are houses literally built into the earth. It was a beautiful day and the Loire region was so pretty!

Vineyards on our drive to see the troglodytes.

Thirdly, Manon's family is soooooo nice! I had a ton of fun just hanging out with them. She has two younger brothers (14 and 9) who are learning English so every so often we would speak English with them (I spoke English with Manon too). For dinner we had cheese covered everything with wine (vive la France!) and for lunch on Sunday Manon's mom gave me a plate full of pastries to try. They were all DELICIOUS.

Also, they don't have a bunch of crazy rules like there are at my house here in Rennes. I've gotten quite used to following them and they don't bother me anymore, but it was nice to have a very free and non-restrictive-at-all living space like I usually do at home!

But anyway, as it turns out this is going to have to be a bit of a condensed speed-entry because I have a ton of things to say but a small amount of things to write it. Next topic: teaching practicum.

Some of the troglodytes! (look down into the little valley thing)

As you may have already read, last Thursday was my first time in front of the class. (If you haven't read that yet but are interested in sifting through other random crap to find it, click here to see the entry.) This Thursday was the same thing, me presenting myself, but with slightly more autonomy. I greeted the class, collected their homework, and lead them on my own...well, sort of. Madame Ollivier wanted to make sure everything ran smoothly and towards the end she started intervening a little too much (she admitted) but she just wanted to make sure the students understood and that we got to everything. Overall it was a really fun time!

At the castle in Angers! Small small portion of it

I spoke loud and clear enough, didn't confuse the students with long phrases of explanation, managed to keep their attention the whole time, and by the end I even started to move around the classroom a little instead of being static in the front.

For next week (and all of the weeks to come) I have to remember to move around more, to use gestures to explain words, to make smoother transitions (which was an issue because I was never really sure if the students were ready for me to move on to the next topic), and a few other things that I don't remember but will surely report at some later date. But since I can't remember that much, that means there wasn't too much other big stuff :)

Oh and for all of you people out there who think that I always look indifferent/angry, yet AGAIN I have had a French person say "tu es souriante" meaning (literally and awkwardly translated) "you're smiley" or figuratively and correctly translated "you smile a lot" so you really can't give me that crap anymore! If I'm happy, I smile a lot. The thing is it's just normal for Americans to smile all the time, even if it's fake. That's not the case here in France where the normal expression is usually rather indifferent. And since I don't like faking things, if I'm not happy I'm not going sit there and smile my face off like I am! What's the point? It just makes me cheeks hurt.

The cathedral in Angers!

After my hour of teaching (and yes, it's still exhausting but I'm proud of myself for having talked loud enough) I was sitting at the bus stop having an imaginary conversation with Madame Ollivier in my head (because that's what I do, especially in French, to make sure I say things correctly). I was having this "conversation" because during class someone asked me about my French abilities and I told them I can understand it but my speaking isn't that great to which Madame Ollivier responded "Oh don't say that, it's good!" and I just laughed and shrugged her off. So anyway, related to that event, in this imaginary conversation I said to her "Do you want to know something funny? I'm a C2!" and then, out loud at the bus stop, I started laughing. Luckily I was alone, but there's a different moral to the story other than that I have imaginary conversations with people:

I told Manon's mom that I love nougat and on Sunday morning
 when she went to the market she saw some
so she just bought it for me! So nice of her! and very yummy :)

The moral is that I'm in the wrong dang level, I swear! I had a test earlier that day and it was pretty hard. I'm not sure how I did on it yet...but I got back a test from another class and I actually did pretty well! However, the difference is that the difficult class is listening comprehension (with a professor that everyone in the program hates) and the test I did well on was written expression. I'm better at writing than speaking/listening, everyone knows that. But even so, my writing isn't that great. I need to practice before I have to take a 4 hour literature exam at the end of the semester (yes, that is going to be happening. no, I am not happy about it).

So overall it's been a pretty good week! Tomorrow I am going to Vitré and Fougères with my program and for lunch, since my friend Tra lives in Vitré, we're going to her house to eat Vietnamese food. And then Hope gets into Rennes at 9:30pm. I'm pretty excited!

Even though I have two difficult exams and lots of homework that I somehow have to get done while Hope is here...No worries, it will all get done eventually! Somehow...

Journal Excerpts

On the train to and from Angers I spent most of my time writing in my journal. I was planning on writing a whole big blog about my trip to Angers and what I learned about myself but it'd be silly to let the words I've already written go to waste so instead I'm just going go type them out here for you.

I'll also make a separate blog post for the simpler and more practical things about my trip (like what I did, with whom, and what I learned about France) as well but they need to be separate or there will be so much that you'll be bored out of your mind reading...

So here we go... (with random pictures throughout to keep you entertained)

March 16, 2013 (Saturday). On the train to Angers.

I can't believe I am here and doing this! Eloquence in words is impossible for me, I know what what I write in this journal will probably be ordinary things in hopefully extraordinary circumstances (I'm in FRANCE) or maybe it will just all be ordinary. But part (or all) of me knows that the most beauty is actually found in ordinary things. It may require a certain mindset but I think it's a midset I've learned to have over the last few years. [...] It's impossible for me to know how this trip [to France] will change me and the course of my life but I know it will. Perhaps the most I'll learn is how to keep myself happy --- by respecting my body, my mind, my space, my surroundings. Remembering to be happy, though, that's the real kicker. Remembering to be happy and confident in who I am.

And I don't have to be able to define who I am. All that matters is that I do it and feel it. It's funny that I feel most like myself when I'm traveling and when I'm alone...

Usually when I'm traveling all of my energy is focused outward -- on observing places, people, nature -- and I'm usually perfectly content to do that! Especially without thinking. That's what it is, actually: the fact that I dont' need to think about anything when I'm traveling. I can just be, just exist.

I'm also learning that it's not necessary to be nervous about things so my nerves/reactions are a lot easier to control. I'm going to stop writing though so I can enjoy the beautiful French countryside and mentally prepare myself for the next 30 hours of newness!

March 17, 2013 (Sunday). On the train home (yes, I've started to call Rennes my home) from Angers.

First of all, I am so proud of myself. [Just before writing this I was standing on the platform waiting and almost started to cry I was so proud and content.]

I'm here in France successfully navigating life all by myself. I may have my moments when I feel like I'm depending on others, especially when I'm anxious, but who doesn't have those? We're human, we're supposed to have them.

This is the first time in my life, my whole 20 years, 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days of existence, that I've been genuinely proud of myself and happy to be who I am.

In the past I've done things, almost everything really, to impress others or to make them happy. I don't study because I genuinely enjoy it, I didn't join honors societies because they were particularly fun, I didn't apply to scholarships to help myself out in the end, I didn't even go to college because I truly wanted to. I did all of those things because that's what I was supposed to do, that's how you make others proud of you, that's the path that the "smart kids" take. 

But here in France I'm being who I am, doing what I love to do and not doing what I don't, just generally surviving as a happy individual all in another country that isn't my home, where they don't even speak my language.

Somehow I have failed to mention that palm trees somehow grow in this region (middle of photo)

I find myself happier here than ever, doing things independently, surrounded by and continuing to meet great people. I'm realizing that all of my "faults" as I've been somehow trained to view them (by  my very own self, I think) and all of the things I usually hate about myself are actually what make me who I am.

Sure, I don't talk that much sometimes. I get anxious. I forget things. Sometimes I stutter and the words just don't come out right. Sometimes I'm tired and cranky. Sometimes I majorly screw up. And maybe I'm awkward, maybe my posture isn't perfect, maybe I'm not perfect...

But none of that actually matters. I've finally got the message. I finally understand: 

I was never perfect and I'll never be perfect. And nobody ever expected me to be.

People just expect me to be, well...me. If that means I allow myself to sit in silence when I don't have anything to say, if that means I don't have to freak out when I stutter or can't form a proper sentence (even in my own language), if that means that I don't have to force myself into some box, some idea of what others sometimes inadvertently shove me into...well, all the better for me.

People like when I'm just being me. When I'm being honest with myself I am being honest with everyone else and good people tend to notice that. 

I'm perfect and unique the way I am and it's my flaws that make me that way.

I'm okay with being mediocre...I'm even happy with it. Trying to be the best at things like school just stresses me out. So maybe that means I'll mess up more, not get straight As, take a little while longer to learn the right way of doing tasks. But at least I won't be giving myself tension headings and stressing myself out to the point of tears.

I don't need to be extraordinary. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. At one point in my life I needed the praise and honor of good grades and scholarships to fill some void, to prove to myself that I was loved and appreciated in the world. But I don't need it (or even want it) anymore. It took so much unnecessary stress to get there, why would I do that to myself?

I'm happy with my life and where it's going, where I am, and that's all that matters. 

BEAUTIFUL day in the Loire Valley (taken during my trip to Angers)! Look at that vineyard, that sky, that beautiful grass! 

Being proud of myself for living the life that I lead here is the best thing in the world. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing, I can just feel it. Being me and being happy is all that matters. 

Things about myself that I'm noticing/always knew but needed to verify because others sometimes think they have the right to tell me otherwise:

I'm a loving person

I am, overall and in the essence of who I am and who I want to be come, a calm person. I seek (and always have since I was a young adolescent) people and situations that lead to a sense of tranquility and harmony between my mind, body, and space. Sometimes certain people and situations trigger a sort of over-stimulation that pushes me over the edge, I'll be the first person to admit that, but the fact that I work to keep that from happening proves something huge. 

It hurts and confuses me when others impose their view of what I am on me. It's not okay for others to tell me that I'm an anxious person, that I'm an angry person (why, because I don't smile all the time? Because I've gotten quite the opposite reaction from a lot of French people), that I'm this, that, or the other thing. All it does is put these ideas in my head and messes with my self-perception.

On a related note, I'm incredibly (almost painfully sensitive). Always have been, always will be. But I feel like that sometimes gives me a certain advantage because it allows me to easily empathize with others.

I don't need to change who I am or how I act for people to like me. If we click, we click. If we don't, we don't. I have to just accept that.

I care a lot about my body and how it feels in relation to how I treat it

I don't like to drink too much or too often (thanks to Europe for truly teaching me that)

I don't need to depend on others to make me happy. In fact, I'm happier when it's just me doing whatever I want with no obligations to others. That's when things start to get messy.

I am capable of learning. So much learning and so much growth that I can't even believe it. But it's an interesting growth: I don't think I'm growing into something that I never was before, on the contrary. I feel more like I'm searching for my roots, for who I actually am and who, over the years of the influence of society, friends, family, everything, I lost sight of being. It seems simple to just be who you've always been, but the tricky part is actually just figuring out exactly what that is. 

I need to spend more time doing what I love: traveling, using my hands to make things (food, pottery, painting, drawing, whatever), meeting new people, and enjoying everyday life.

It was beautiful outside and I decided to take a picture of this bush on my walk home.

And last but not least (yet most obvious): sometimes I really do get too anxious/tired and need to learn to take a step back (or a nap) and not have such intense emotional reactions to things. But actually learning to do that pretty well, it's just taking some time.

In general there's just been a lot in my life that has clouded my self-perception and sometimes hindered my ability to see who I am rather than what life is forcing me to be at the moment and now I finally have the chance to figure out who I am since I left those distractions in my past and in America.