It started off late because I don't have class until 6:15 on Wednesdays and that's when the neither-good-nor-badness began. I love when I get to leave the house without talking to anyone so I was pretty happy right up until I was just about to leave and I heard Monique and Pierre come in. I grabbed my stuff and prepared to say "Bonjour" and head out...but when I saw Pierre, he said "What do you do that you sleep in so late?!?!" which overall is actually a reasonable question (I just stay up late doing nothing) but I was off-put by Monique's mood. I said bonjour to her and she didn't say anything back, and I've learned that if that happens in France you might want to be worried...but I left nonetheless because she went upstairs to answer a phone call. Then I ended up riding the bus with Pierre, which also wasn't so bad. I don't know how I feel about the whole mix of events.
Then after lunch I had my formal evaluation with Daniel (program director, from last week's observation) and I realized that I'm not a big fan of being criticized, regardless of whether or not I'm supposedly on the higher end of the sucky student interns. But really it was fine, I just took a few minutes afterwards to absorb it all and then started in on my planning.
And that's where it all went downhill.
I had mostly everything planned so I wanted to hear Daniel's input. He gave me a few good suggestions and seemed pretty satisfied with the lesson, so I decided to make the modifications he suggested. Then when I went back to the office to show him, only Charlotte (my pedagogy teacher) was there so I showed it to her. She's on the other end of the French spectrum though, I guess.
She told me that I should take out everything I added from Daniel's suggestions and completely refuted every single other modification I proposed. So that felt really good, let me tell ya. Still, though, I was fine. It wasn't until pedagogy class that things took a sharp turn south.
(Don't worry, this is only the necessary rant/background information I give before actually telling you the insights I had about French people and myself today.)
During class, I worked with my friend Benedict to create a mock-lesson plan because we both have students in troisième. We started to create a lesson about American university and the process of choosing one but when Charlotte came back to check in on us, she told us that it was a terrible idea. She then proceeded to shoot down every single other idea that we proposed until we both ended up blankly staring at her with no idea what she wanted from us. And she wasn't about to tell us, either.
Here's the issue: students in troisième are 15, the age of 9th graders, but high school in France doesn't start until the age of 10th grade. Charlotte's issue was that we weren't coming up with things that are applicable and interesting to kids in our class. However, coming up with applicable things for them is like coming up with applicable things for 8th graders (because they're in that awkward not-quite-in-high-school gap).
Would someone please mind telling me what in God's name other than shopping, movies, music, sports, video games, etc, is interesting to 8th graders? I'll give you the answer: nothing. And when I told that to Charlotte and asked her how I can use those things to create a lesson, she agreed that I can't. So, my dear Charlotte, what have you left me with? Nothing.
I'm not angry about the fact that she's encouraging me to think about whether or not a course will be interesting. I'm angry about the fact that she (as any French person with no understanding of how I, a perfectionistic, obsessive, sensitive American student functions) criticized every single thing that came out of my mouth, encouraged me to argue my point and then refused to accept it, told me every single thing I was doing was wrong and then proceeded to give me no help whatsoever in figuring out what she wants from me.
And that's how class ended. I rode the metro home angrily ranting to Amanda because I'd about had it with the French style of criticism at that point (constructive criticism is a foreign concept to the French) and I was ready to just be done with it.
My day got better, though, when I could come home and take my shower and relax.
So here are the general conclusions that I've come to over the last 12 hours:
1) French women have unpredictable moods and, on top of that, never give any reasons or explanations once the mood has passed. I'm fine with that, it's just taking some getting used to.
2) Criticism is not my favorite thing to deal with but when it is delivered with a smile of encouragement, I can handle it
3) However if I am relentlessly criticized with seemingly no end goal, I fail to rationalize the point of it all and become incredibly angry and upset. Even if I know that it's given with the best of intentions, I still don't like it.
4) French people don't sugarcoat things -- the only reason Daniel did is because he lived in America for years and, in his own words, "Felt more at home in America than he ever did in France." And needless to say, I'm not a big fan of this verbal brutality.
5) If I'm looking to find somewhere I fit in, like Daniel did, that place will never be France. (I still like it, I've just reached that conclusion.)
6) French men are far easier to deal with than French women, in my experience.
7) I'd rather be homeless than be a teacher. It's too much work, I'm too much of a perfectionist to handle the fact that it can never be done correctly, the guidelines are too rigid, and the only thing I enjoy about it is being around adolescents. But I can work with adolescents in tons of other fields so I am officially renouncing any desire I ever had of becoming a teacher. I think I might even hate it if it weren't for that 1 hour of teaching. (But it does not make the 3 hours of preparation worth it. I'm not at all interested in settling for enjoying my life 25% of the time.)
8) I need to learn how to better handle criticism
9) My culture shock isn't over, like I thought it was. Sure I can handle the crowded cafeteria, bizarre meal times, and the fact that almost everything is closed on Sundays but now apparently it's the bigger things that are getting to me.
And as an end note, please don't take this as me saying I'm not enjoying my time here. It keeps occurring that when I post the negative aspects of my experience people think I'm being too negative and closed minded. Honestly I take that as a huge insult. I'm a human being, I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm also dedicated to remembering my study abroad experience, good and bad, and everything I learn from it. In my opinion it's the bad days that teach us the most. If I don't document it and think about it thoroughly all I'm doing is missing out on an opportunity to learn.
I didn't come here to have a long vacation. From the very beginning there have been tough moments that I've struggled to handle (and haven't handled the best way possible) and that just tends to be how life goes. What matters is that I'm here, I'm doing it, and I keep on going even after a rough day. That's what I came here to do, that's what I'll continue to do, and that's definitely a lesson I'll be carrying with me for my entire life.
Nonetheless, living with the French is not for the faint of heart.
Also, today I had chocolate for dinner.
Chocolate for dinner. I'm so proud of you :)
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