I'll also make a separate blog post for the simpler and more practical things about my trip (like what I did, with whom, and what I learned about France) as well but they need to be separate or there will be so much that you'll be bored out of your mind reading...
So here we go... (with random pictures throughout to keep you entertained)
March 16, 2013 (Saturday). On the train to Angers.
I can't believe I am here and doing this! Eloquence in words is impossible for me, I know what what I write in this journal will probably be ordinary things in hopefully extraordinary circumstances (I'm in FRANCE) or maybe it will just all be ordinary. But part (or all) of me knows that the most beauty is actually found in ordinary things. It may require a certain mindset but I think it's a midset I've learned to have over the last few years. [...] It's impossible for me to know how this trip [to France] will change me and the course of my life but I know it will. Perhaps the most I'll learn is how to keep myself happy --- by respecting my body, my mind, my space, my surroundings. Remembering to be happy, though, that's the real kicker. Remembering to be happy and confident in who I am.
And I don't have to be able to define who I am. All that matters is that I do it and feel it. It's funny that I feel most like myself when I'm traveling and when I'm alone...
Usually when I'm traveling all of my energy is focused outward -- on observing places, people, nature -- and I'm usually perfectly content to do that! Especially without thinking. That's what it is, actually: the fact that I dont' need to think about anything when I'm traveling. I can just be, just exist.
I'm also learning that it's not necessary to be nervous about things so my nerves/reactions are a lot easier to control. I'm going to stop writing though so I can enjoy the beautiful French countryside and mentally prepare myself for the next 30 hours of newness!
March 17, 2013 (Sunday). On the train home (yes, I've started to call Rennes my home) from Angers.
First of all, I am so proud of myself. [Just before writing this I was standing on the platform waiting and almost started to cry I was so proud and content.]
I'm here in France successfully navigating life all by myself. I may have my moments when I feel like I'm depending on others, especially when I'm anxious, but who doesn't have those? We're human, we're supposed to have them.
This is the first time in my life, my whole 20 years, 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days of existence, that I've been genuinely proud of myself and happy to be who I am.
In the past I've done things, almost everything really, to impress others or to make them happy. I don't study because I genuinely enjoy it, I didn't join honors societies because they were particularly fun, I didn't apply to scholarships to help myself out in the end, I didn't even go to college because I truly wanted to. I did all of those things because that's what I was supposed to do, that's how you make others proud of you, that's the path that the "smart kids" take.
But here in France I'm being who I am, doing what I love to do and not doing what I don't, just generally surviving as a happy individual all in another country that isn't my home, where they don't even speak my language.
I find myself happier here than ever, doing things independently, surrounded by and continuing to meet great people. I'm realizing that all of my "faults" as I've been somehow trained to view them (by my very own self, I think) and all of the things I usually hate about myself are actually what make me who I am.
Sure, I don't talk that much sometimes. I get anxious. I forget things. Sometimes I stutter and the words just don't come out right. Sometimes I'm tired and cranky. Sometimes I majorly screw up. And maybe I'm awkward, maybe my posture isn't perfect, maybe I'm not perfect...
But none of that actually matters. I've finally got the message. I finally understand:
I was never perfect and I'll never be perfect. And nobody ever expected me to be.
People just expect me to be, well...me. If that means I allow myself to sit in silence when I don't have anything to say, if that means I don't have to freak out when I stutter or can't form a proper sentence (even in my own language), if that means that I don't have to force myself into some box, some idea of what others sometimes inadvertently shove me into...well, all the better for me.
People like when I'm just being me. When I'm being honest with myself I am being honest with everyone else and good people tend to notice that.
I'm perfect and unique the way I am and it's my flaws that make me that way.
I'm okay with being mediocre...I'm even happy with it. Trying to be the best at things like school just stresses me out. So maybe that means I'll mess up more, not get straight As, take a little while longer to learn the right way of doing tasks. But at least I won't be giving myself tension headings and stressing myself out to the point of tears.
I don't need to be extraordinary. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. At one point in my life I needed the praise and honor of good grades and scholarships to fill some void, to prove to myself that I was loved and appreciated in the world. But I don't need it (or even want it) anymore. It took so much unnecessary stress to get there, why would I do that to myself?
I'm happy with my life and where it's going, where I am, and that's all that matters.
Being proud of myself for living the life that I lead here is the best thing in the world. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing, I can just feel it. Being me and being happy is all that matters.
I'm here in France successfully navigating life all by myself. I may have my moments when I feel like I'm depending on others, especially when I'm anxious, but who doesn't have those? We're human, we're supposed to have them.
This is the first time in my life, my whole 20 years, 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days of existence, that I've been genuinely proud of myself and happy to be who I am.
In the past I've done things, almost everything really, to impress others or to make them happy. I don't study because I genuinely enjoy it, I didn't join honors societies because they were particularly fun, I didn't apply to scholarships to help myself out in the end, I didn't even go to college because I truly wanted to. I did all of those things because that's what I was supposed to do, that's how you make others proud of you, that's the path that the "smart kids" take.
But here in France I'm being who I am, doing what I love to do and not doing what I don't, just generally surviving as a happy individual all in another country that isn't my home, where they don't even speak my language.
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| Somehow I have failed to mention that palm trees somehow grow in this region (middle of photo) |
I find myself happier here than ever, doing things independently, surrounded by and continuing to meet great people. I'm realizing that all of my "faults" as I've been somehow trained to view them (by my very own self, I think) and all of the things I usually hate about myself are actually what make me who I am.
Sure, I don't talk that much sometimes. I get anxious. I forget things. Sometimes I stutter and the words just don't come out right. Sometimes I'm tired and cranky. Sometimes I majorly screw up. And maybe I'm awkward, maybe my posture isn't perfect, maybe I'm not perfect...
But none of that actually matters. I've finally got the message. I finally understand:
I was never perfect and I'll never be perfect. And nobody ever expected me to be.
People just expect me to be, well...me. If that means I allow myself to sit in silence when I don't have anything to say, if that means I don't have to freak out when I stutter or can't form a proper sentence (even in my own language), if that means that I don't have to force myself into some box, some idea of what others sometimes inadvertently shove me into...well, all the better for me.
People like when I'm just being me. When I'm being honest with myself I am being honest with everyone else and good people tend to notice that.
I'm perfect and unique the way I am and it's my flaws that make me that way.
I'm okay with being mediocre...I'm even happy with it. Trying to be the best at things like school just stresses me out. So maybe that means I'll mess up more, not get straight As, take a little while longer to learn the right way of doing tasks. But at least I won't be giving myself tension headings and stressing myself out to the point of tears.
I don't need to be extraordinary. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. At one point in my life I needed the praise and honor of good grades and scholarships to fill some void, to prove to myself that I was loved and appreciated in the world. But I don't need it (or even want it) anymore. It took so much unnecessary stress to get there, why would I do that to myself?
I'm happy with my life and where it's going, where I am, and that's all that matters.
 |
| BEAUTIFUL day in the Loire Valley (taken during my trip to Angers)! Look at that vineyard, that sky, that beautiful grass! |
Being proud of myself for living the life that I lead here is the best thing in the world. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing, I can just feel it. Being me and being happy is all that matters.
Things about myself that I'm noticing/always knew but needed to verify because others sometimes think they have the right to tell me otherwise:
I'm a loving person
I am, overall and in the essence of who I am and who I want to be come, a calm person. I seek (and always have since I was a young adolescent) people and situations that lead to a sense of tranquility and harmony between my mind, body, and space. Sometimes certain people and situations trigger a sort of over-stimulation that pushes me over the edge, I'll be the first person to admit that, but the fact that I work to keep that from happening proves something huge.
It hurts and confuses me when others impose their view of what I am on me. It's not okay for others to tell me that I'm an anxious person, that I'm an angry person (why, because I don't smile all the time? Because I've gotten quite the opposite reaction from a lot of French people), that I'm this, that, or the other thing. All it does is put these ideas in my head and messes with my self-perception.
On a related note, I'm incredibly (almost painfully sensitive). Always have been, always will be. But I feel like that sometimes gives me a certain advantage because it allows me to easily empathize with others.
On a related note, I'm incredibly (almost painfully sensitive). Always have been, always will be. But I feel like that sometimes gives me a certain advantage because it allows me to easily empathize with others.
I don't need to change who I am or how I act for people to like me. If we click, we click. If we don't, we don't. I have to just accept that.
I care a lot about my body and how it feels in relation to how I treat it
I don't like to drink too much or too often (thanks to Europe for truly teaching me that)
I don't need to depend on others to make me happy. In fact, I'm happier when it's just me doing whatever I want with no obligations to others. That's when things start to get messy.
I am capable of learning. So much learning and so much growth that I can't even believe it. But it's an interesting growth: I don't think I'm growing into something that I never was before, on the contrary. I feel more like I'm searching for my roots, for who I actually am and who, over the years of the influence of society, friends, family, everything, I lost sight of being. It seems simple to just be who you've always been, but the tricky part is actually just figuring out exactly what that is.
I need to spend more time doing what I love: traveling, using my hands to make things (food, pottery, painting, drawing, whatever), meeting new people, and enjoying everyday life.
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| It was beautiful outside and I decided to take a picture of this bush on my walk home. |
And last but not least (yet most obvious): sometimes I really do get too anxious/tired and need to learn to take a step back (or a nap) and not have such intense emotional reactions to things. But actually learning to do that pretty well, it's just taking some time.
In general there's just been a lot in my life that has clouded my self-perception and sometimes hindered my ability to see who I am rather than what life is forcing me to be at the moment and now I finally have the chance to figure out who I am since I left those distractions in my past and in America.
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